thoughtlessly full

I need somthing to inspire me. I have so much that could but it always ends up fading away or meaning less to me everyday. Somedays i dont know how to feel about things like my mom going away for the weekend with her new boyfriend. Am i happy for her? am i mad? do i really care? Is she going to spend more time with him and leave it to me to take care of the house and stuff more? i waisted so much of the last year an a half being angry at my parents for splitting so when i got back from europe i decided i wasnt going to let it bother me any longer. But a few weeks have passed and im starting to feel the weight of it again, and i hate it. Maybe its a combination of things, like school, work, and family. Its not easy to balance it all and i keep planning it out in my mind that this is how you can balance it all this is how it should be but i give up before i start. I want to be able to have the time to sit down and write a song but the only time I have had recently was at 130 am and I was so tired i got frustrated with my self. Any of the daylight hours are spent, cleaning to please my mother and pay her back, doing homework or slaveing away in starbucks. Ok its not that bad I just wish i could make money doing somthing that bettered the world in one way or another.
Then there is school. I feel like school is my excuse for everything, for not going to the gym, for being tired for not spending time with friends or family. But its not really an excuse when its true. I dont care anymore but i care enough to leave it to the last minute and still do it. im 10 assignments behind and i dont even know how i will ever catch up. im getting good marks but when i get a bad mark i dont care anymore. The thing that pisses me off the most is writers craft. Dont get me wrong its a great class, if you want to know HOW to write. But this entire semester has been we get an assignment we get time to work on it we hand it in ....REPEAT! then we have to write our own book with all these steps leading up to writing our own book. It sounded like a great course at the begining but now i feel like im writing to please someone and thats not what writing is for. Writing is a way to express emotion and show it in a creative way to people so that they can relate or think about writing not judge it and give it a mark out of 100. I understand that spelling and gramer and structure are important but what is that teaching me about the future. How will this knowledge help make the world better? I dont even need this class to graduate! I am so close to being done high school and its taking forever to get there. I know i should be thankful to have the opportunity for an education but why dont they try teaching us things that matter to real life. Just saying.